When I first set out to submit a post for Indigo Skye: Ink and Art, I set out to write about an sexual encounter I had- namely a first date with a man who rocked my socks so hard- I was naked 1hour 40 into date. But when I sat down, put finger to keys, what came out was nothing close to what I was prepared to write. I hope you will enjoy a very real look inside of me.
I am not always a trollop cupcake, sometimes I am just a broken hearted girl with icing smeared on her.
I am an extremely damaged person, I know it, I own it. I was involved in a 7 year relationship that was a love rollercoaster, the highs were high and the lows were low- it was really a textbook bipolar romance. I spent years convincing myself that I loved this man and eventually we would grow up. I have. He hasn’t.
For many years, I tried to run away from him. And as all bipolar romances go, every time I ran, he would chase me. I loved that. I loved being chased. Eventually I stopped running, convinced that he and I were ready to stop with the ‘open relationship’ and buckle down and start a family. I think it was summer or fall four years ago (sadly I cannot remember) that I said yes to a proposal of marriage. I think we were thinking summer wedding, followed by my moving to Lafayette, Louisiana- where his family is from.
We always talked of marriage and our future together. We always dated other people. We or I at least always thought we would always be together.
I still have the ring. The three glistening stones were supposed to mean- past, present, future but they really meant nothing. A vacation a few months after the proposal he revealed to me that he had just recently taken a paternity test. This paternity test was for a child a few years old and would also serve to match DNA for an unborn child from a woman who was only a few months along.
Devastated. I did not run away this time; I walked and I never looked back.
I mean I really never looked back. For a year I had no contact with him. I did not need closure; I did not have any unanswered questions- I cut him out of my life completely. I was done with it!
Just last month, someone asked me, if I had difficulty forming intimate connections with just one person. He prefaced this question by telling me that he thought I was someone who made a connection with the world but kept her distance from individuals. How right he is!
I was devastated, broken hearted but not broken. I healed, glued the pieces of my heart back together and wholeheartedly accepted love into my life. Or at least I tried to. Healing was and is a very long and tedious process for me. I do a lot of yoga, meditation, and drinking.
I have had several relationships in the past 4 years and all have ended in explosions of failure. My heart was still healing and beating strong and the breakups did not seem to really have an affect on me.
Then along came a man with whom I fell madly in love with and who shattered my healing heart into dust. He said he would never hurt me and I believed him, we were good friends after all. And as luck would have it- I am so toxic to him that he cannot even accept me as a friend.
I pick up the particles of dust that were once my healing heart and try to mend it back together.
I, for now anyways, will just try to enjoy my life without romantic love.
All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something
I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style
I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met
I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three
I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep
Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something
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